Warrior Poet

I was 5 years old and a documentary on the Carnival in Rio came on television. I watched with wild eyes, a mental excitement boner at full mast, and asked my Mother “How many years have I missed this!?” She replied, “5 Years.” So at age 29 when I finally got my chance to visit Brazil it was with no small amount of anticipation. Now that the trip is concluded, I have to say that while I am certainly not disappointed, it was not exactly the vision from my childhood.

While I expected to be living an episode of Wild On E meets Temptation Island, I ended up on an episode of the Amazing Race. Only we weren’t really going anywhere, which was cool. We learned to surf, we rolled head over heels down a sand dune in an oversized beach ball, we hiked to a secluded beach, and we ate Acai bowls fresh out of the jungle. The people we met became good friends, and I got tapped out eleventy seven times by the 2006 World Jiu Jitsu Championship runner up. That’s a hell of a trip. It just didn’t include us being bum-brumskied in the sweaty flesh of a samba-ing cinnamon posterior.

SAO PAOLO

Did we just land in the world’s biggest jungle slum? The poverty of the areas surrounding the city was intense. Tin shacks, slammed next to each other presumably for the convenience of shared plumbing and power were carved into the jungle like Gaia’s shingles. Apartment buildings reminiscent of the communist built living quarters in Prague stood together like Lego’s. Then we made it to the city. Two words can sum up that experience pretty well. Traffic. Fucking Traffic! It literally took us about 30 minutes to make it 4 blocks at one point. Motorcycle drivers in this city make MotoX champions look like pussies. They zoom with 6 inches of clearance between stopped cars at 80 kmh and if they ever get an open stretch of road they duck their head and crank dat Soldja Boy. We didn’t stay long (fortunately) but I’ll give the few tips that I have.

Hotel Unique:
An oasis of class and modern sophistication. Comfy rooms that have amenities fit for Autobots, in a dope hotel complete with a killer rooftop pool, a gym with a waterslide into the spa, and a lobby bartender that is a fucking wizard with fresh fruit and vodka. This hotel may be the one thing that makes any necessary trip to Sao Paolo an enjoyable experience. 5 Stars

Pink Elephant:
So we walked in here on a recommendation from some friends as well as our hotel, and were greeted by a host. We explained that we would like to enter the club.
“How many of you?”
“4 of us, 2 guys, 2 girls”
“Okay, you have to get a table?”
“How much is the table?”
“2500 Reals ($1800.00)”
“Umm, no. That’s not gonna work”
“Okay, then pay 100 Reals each and get your first 2 drinks free.”

So after this rather amusing episode, we collected our numbered cards (explained in the traveler tips section), and entered the club. We were greeted by some thumping house music and a bunch of skinny white guys in polo shirts mingling around tables with bottles of champagne the size of their leg. They had a rather unattractive collection of (also very white) females accompanying them.

It was nearly 1:30 and not a person was dancing. It took until almost 3AM before the gogo dancers showed up and the club got lively. By that point we had been drinking for 9 hours and decided enough was enough. But if you had the right group together, a shitload of Reals to blow, and not a damn thing to do the next day, this place would have been pretty damn fun. 4 Stars

FLORIANOPOLIS

On an island with over 20 beaches, all but a few of them surf-able, this is the quintessential surfer island. Arriving in April we were about a month late to catch the end of summer high season, which apparently turns this island haven into a mini South American Ibiza for a few months, so its not quite fair to comment on the partying.

Activities:

Surfing: Despite growing up a California kid, this was my first time surfing. The waves were perfect and our instructor Ernesto was a zen surf master. Waves rolled in comfortable and easy sets, and no sooner did you paddle out than you were riding to shore. This has to be the mecca of beginner surfing.

Sand Boarding: A lot more interesting sounding than it actually is, the boards have way too much friction on the sand and pretty much the only way to get speed is to go straight down the dune face. Its worth doing for about 30 minutes though, just for the view and the experience.

Zorbing: This is like the carnival ride from hell, (but in a good way). We strap in to respective sides of this clear beach ball and get pushed off a cliff. If that sounds like fun, as it did to us, then you will love Zorbing.

Lagoinha D’el Este Nature Hike: A few mosquitos on the path, and a beautiful beach ahead. But there are beautiful beaches everywhere. It was aight.

Jiu Jitsu Training: Training here in brazil is the real fucking deal. I trained with a guy who finished 2nd in the world championships, Marvio Charles, and it was intense. I get tapped by professional MMA fighters in my weight class on average every 3-5 minutes. Amateur fighters maybe every 7-10 minutes, and I’ve put more than a few of them on the pitter patt as well. But this dude was a killer. Utilizing butterfly guard almost entirely, he was controlling my leverage points like a marionette. Push a hip, pull a shoulder and all the sudden insead of being in a neutral position my arm was about to get snapped off. It was not until I decided to put him in my own guard that the cycle moved out past a minute in between submissions. During one of our scrambles on our feet I caught a toe in a hole in the matt and twisted it 90 degrees perpendicular to my foot. I paused the action and Marvio looked at it very casually. “Its very usual. We tape and we go.” Apparently he had not choked, broke, submitted me enough to call it quits.

Accomodation:

Floripa Vacation Homes: Right across from Praia Brava I highly recommend these very clean, moderately priced, and spacious accommodations. Hotels in Floripa are certainly not four star so this is an excellent option.

Beaches:

Praia Mole – Great beginner surfing and not a lot else.

Praia Brava—The most physically beautiful beach we encountered, the surfing here is territorial and has a good mix of intermediate to advanced riders. There are some cool beach lounges and the location is very centrally located.

Jacare—Overrated, particularly for the time we went there. Can’t really comment on the environment there during high season.

Food:

Mr Natural – When in Floripa, there isn’t always 2 hours to spare to get a meal. And occasionally it is nice to get a vegetable fruit or two. This smoothie/sandwich shop hit the spot on more than one occasion. 3 Stars

Joy Hot Dog – The Site of the famous Caitlyn comedy trilogy, this is like Wienerscnitzel on steroids. 2 stars

Kanpai – One of the best all you can eat sushi establishments I have ever been to, I highly recommend this hotspot when you are in the mood for a nice meal with some great drinks. 4 Stars

A few comments for anyone pondering a trip:

1. Do not go to Brazil expecting a parade of toned, tanned asses. You will see a lot of thonged asses, and some will be great. But many will not. Most will not. But if you wanna take Brazil’s top 5 percentile of ass and put it in the world cup it may be a slight favorite.

2. Go during the right season. We were a little bit late to the party in Florianopolis and we regretted missing out on the DJ’s and the fun.
3. Go with strong physical health. The best part of brazil is being active, so go when you are strong and ready to shred the sand and surf!

Visited: All the time
Best Time To Visit: Spring / Fall
Worst Time to Visit: Winter
Modus Operandi: Cash is king

In Miami sexiness is the priority. In LA who you know in Hollywood is the priority. In Las Vegas they could give a fuck as long as you have the cash. And in this regard it is as close to a meritocracy as any major city in the world. The crazy thing about Vegas is that the only reason it exists, or that Nevada is a state that anyone cares about, is that someone decided that government had no place being our mommies and daddies and telling us what we could do with our hard earned dollars. If we want to let our wages get sucked into a little machine with whirling levers why should that be ILLEGAL? Really, ILLEGAL? And then of course there is prostitution… the oldest profession in the world. Better to make prostitution illegal, force it underground, and that way we can assure that we will have no way of stopping the spread of deadly diseases or the wanton violence against the women of the trade by both pimps and johns. Right?  Good work, Daddy Sam! You saved us from ourselves yet again! Errr… actually just unnecessarily clogged our legal system, spread diseases, perpetuated violence, wasted tax dollars,  distracted police from dealing with crimes that have VICTIMS, and failed to prevent the thing you made illegal. Either way. But Nevada… sweet Nevada… They had some sense. And because they had some sense, Las Vegas exists.

With thousands of pounds of lobster and the finest delicacies flown in daily from all over the world enjoyed alongside the best entertainment, sex and spectacles that money can buy, Las Vegas is an epicurean haven. But enough of the generalities… You know all this. Lets get down to the good stuff…

Food

Il Mulino – The best Italian food in Vegas.  Period.  This restaurant can be found in Chicago and New York as well, but the Vegas iteration is as good as any of them.  Only Italian in the USA that may be better is Bottega Louis in downtown Los Angeles.  4.5 stars

Sushi Roku – Bad ass view, great ambiance and some killer sushi.  Located in the nice part of the forum shops at the Caesars you will not be disappointed.  4 stars

Japonnais -- Not the worlds best atmosphere (casino floor of Mirage), but in my opinion this is the best tasting sushi in Vegas.  The o-toro is like butter… 4 stars

Azure restaraunt  (WolfGang Puck) — Meatball mothafuckin sandwich from hell!  This is located at the Azure pool on top of the Palazzo, and for getting some grub in the day poolside it can’t be beat.  4 Stars

Lemongrass — Amazing Thai food at the new Aria hotel.  I’ve been to Thailand and this place is authentic and delicious.  4 stars

Strip Steak — The kobe steak is more expensive than getting an escort but you’ll feel a lot better about yourself when you finish it.  Its fun to grab a specialty martini at the Red Square across the way.  Located in the Mandalay.  4 stars

Morelo’s – Home of the world’s best Caesar salad.  If you think that 28 dollars is too much for a some  lettuce, croutons and fresh dressing that only means you haven’t tried this salad yet!  This is the platonic absolute of what all other Caesar salad’s approximate.  Add a french onion soup, a shrimp cocktail,  some mini beef wellington and wash it down with a bottle of 2007 Freemark Abbey Chardonnay and you will be ready to charge late into the night.  Located at the Palazzo entrance.  4 stars

Entertainment (Shows)

Jersey Boys – I saw this show on broadway with the same cast that is in the Vegas version and it is immensely enjoyable.  Even though Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons isn’t part of our generation, the music and the story is timeless.  And the Frankie Valli that is in Vegas is a sonic doppleganger of the original.  Way better than the current cast on Broadway…  5 Stars

Crazy Horse — This is a seductive french threesome between art, dance, and sex.    If your lady is cool, (or if you are a cool lady!) this show will get you/her fired up, but its also a great show to see solo or with a client/friend.  When I was a younger man and first saw this show it literally changed my life.  I decided that no matter what it took, I was going to make enough money and have enough power that I could figure out a way to take one (some) of these girls on a date.  Unfortunately for them, I found a girl even better!  4.5 stars

Zumanity – This show is really cool and sexy.  Fun to attend with a mixed group of guys/girls.  Sexy enough to keep your interest, wild enough to keep you talking for long after it ends, and classy enough that you won’t be accused of being a Perv.  Plus it will give you some dangerous ideas for the bedroom later!  Really ideal date show in my opinion.  4 stars

Phantom – I’ve seen Phantom on Broadway and in Los Angeles with the original crew and I have to say I was very disappointed in the vegas version.  It’s shortened by about 40% and has more glitz than substance.  Don’t see this one in Vegas, go to NYC.  2.5 stars

Ka – CaKa.  Don’t see this.  I like the Cirque De Soleil but this show is garbagio.  Half the people I was with fell asleep.  2 Stars

Spectacle

Grand Canyon Helicopter Tour — This excursion takes off in the mid afternoon from a little heli-port not far from the strip.  You saddle up in a 6 seat copter with a grizzled old vietnam vet and take off for the GC.  I must say I was only mildly intrigued by the gigantic gorge but decided to experience it on a recommendation from my late Grandma.   She was right.  The feeling of  sublime awe  that sweeps over you when you touch down within those walls is as memorable as the first time you touch someone’s genitals that aren’t your own.  Not really the same feeling as that at all, but equally memorable.  They land you at a spot in the Canyon and give you 40 minutes or so to have a little picnic.  I said fuck the food, and hiked a bit of a ways up from the group and just sat speechless, my heart and spirit breathing in synch with the great Mother.  They had to threaten to leave me there before I came down and hopped back in the copter with friendly “VC-killer” Pilot Chuck.  Then as you ride into the strip at dusk you get to see the glittering monuments to the modern God CASH, the culmination of man’s ingenuity to this point in evolution.  It is the best that nature can do followed by the best that we can do.  I love us, but I have to say Mother Nature put down an ass-whoopin on this one. 5 fuckin stars!

Hotels

Cosmopolitan – This is the new spot. While slightly lacking on large, multi-person suite options (prefer Aria Sky Suites for that), the rest of the hotel is ideally immaculate. Their pool area is like a sports bar/beach club already on its own, and their beach club attached to marquee is epic and sexy with reported overnight cabana options. The nightclub Marquee is full immersion in the dark energy rabbit hole, seemingly sprawling forever, but finding a bathroom there is a 30 minute journey so be prepared. 5 Stars

Encore – This is what a hotel should be:  A magical place that feels nothing like home, and gets the juice box flowin at every turn.  The service is great, the suites (they are all suites) are impeccable, the location on the strip is perfect and it houses one of the best looking nightclubs in the world (XS). Even now, in 2012 XS is still going strong. The Encore Beach club was like trying to get into Ft. Knox in 2011 with Kaskade being the resident DJ but I’m looking forward to seeing what 2012 will bring to that poolside fantasyland. 4.5 Stars

The Hotel at the Mandalay Bay– Formerly my favorite spot, this is still a top notch experience.  Separate from the Mandalay jungle but close enough to give access to all of the Mandalay’s cool amenities, don’t be scurred to pony up the benji’s to stay here.  Its very nice, and the scent recognition they pump through here will help jog the memory of many forgotten nights. 4 Stars

Wynn — Its hard to stay here now that the Encore is open, but this is the same program, just not the New New.  4 Stars

Palazzo– I like staying here for the location, the room size, and the amenities.  There is good food all around (Morelo’s and Azure) and its just a comfortable and cool place to stay.  3.5 Stars

Bellagio – A little too old-school for me… But very quality.  Amazing $60 per person buffet in the lobby.  3 stars

TI– On a budget?  Get a place to crash in a cool location with a young crowd.  3 stars

Hard Rock– I think Hard Rock hit its peak in 2008… Rehab is played out, and Vanity has a good lil’ buzz but the location kills it for me.  They do have a strong late 20’s and early 30’s single scene workin for them though.  3 stars

Palms — Mannnn, I dunno.  Its cool, but I am never thrilled with the experience there.  One time we got a killer suite there which was fun, but I like being able to walk to nearby spots.  3 Stars

Rio– Big rooms for cheap.  Nothing else good about it though… 2.5 Stars

MGM– Small rooms, big hotel,  medium money.  Don’t stay here unless you stay at the Signature which has no action but very nice rooms.  2 Stars

Luxor — Ummm… Better than Excalibur!  But pretty janky.  It kinda sucks to have a room cut in half by a slanted wall.  Best thing about the Luxor is looking at it from a distance.  1.5 stars

Nightclubs

Marquee — As mentioned above, this place is pretty fucking epic. We went for Halloween 2011 with Kaskade performing and had one of the best nights I can ever recall. But bathrooms are a joke… It literally takes 10 minutes just to get there, and another 10 minutes to get back. Other than that, it is a visual and auditory feast. 5 Stars

XS — This is the best looking club in the world.  I haven’t seen all the clubs in the world, but it doesn’t matter because it would be impossible to build a better looking club than this.  This does not mean that it has the best looking people in the world, that honor I’m sure goes to somewhere in Brazil, or Moscow, or Uruguay, or Ibiza, or even Miami… But leather for leather, satin for satin, feature for feature this club is the Leviathan.  One of the most remarkable things is the climate control.  The entire back of the club opens to a huge pool / courtyard designed by someone clearly rolling his nuts off.  One would think that the club would be subject to the extremes of the desert climate.  But no.  Somehow they have a system of fans and vents that keep the place a perfect temperature.  Obviously this place does not have ‘bottle specials’ because they sell every fucking table every fucking night they are open, so plan on dropping some loot… and if you’re not a Delbert you  probably have a fair shot at dropping some panties (or briefs!) there too.  4.5 Stars

HAZE– This place is located at the Aria.  With one of the coolest (and most expensive looking) audio-visual setups I have ever seen this is definitely a hot spot.  Security there is like entering the White House, and you end up spending way more than you imagined you should ever have to.  I had a great time when I was there, but I crashed one of the best tables in the place… I’m not sure about the experience if you get a normal 2-4 bottle table.  Nonetheless if I have 2 days to party in Vegas, this is where I go the second night.  4 Stars

Tryst– This was the hotness before they built XS which is like Tryst on steroids.  Tryst is still rockin it though and the outdoor waterfall feature is killer.  4 Stars

PURE– This place can be a lot of fun, but I recommend going for their ‘On nights’ which is like a wednesday or something… It has pretty solid madness and a good upstairs patio to escape from the madness.  I’d do it.  3.5 Stars

Lavo– On the smaller side as far as Vegas clubs go, I would choose this spot only if there was some kind of cool event or party goin’ on.  Its solid though.  3.5 Stars

TAO– Personal space is at a minimum at TAO, and I’m not a fan of people all up in my shit.  The club would be cool if it had 30% fewer people in it.  3 Stars

Prive– I had a table there with some UFC friends and actually got kicked out for dancing too ‘provocatively’ with my girl and her hot girlfriend.  This if fuckin’ Vegas, if its not cool to grind with two hot girls at the same time then take your shitty, never-once-was-ever-cool-club and go to Des Moines.  Fuck Prive.  0 Stars.

** I have been to Vegas probably 25 times over the last 8 years… If you have any questions, I can probably help you out.  Remember, moderation in everything… INCLUDING MODERATION!  So enjoy Vegas to excess cuz that’s what this city is about.